You were lucky enough to get into therapy. Your therapist specializes in exactly what you needed. However, when you start to see them for sessions, things don’t feel right. Their attention is unfocused. They look at their phone. When you share something deep, they’re quiet, politely smile, or ask how what you shared “made you feel.”

Like with anyone else, our relationship with our therapist will inevitably have some kind of issue. It might happen in the first session – it might happen a year into therapy. Regardless, how we handle this conflict is key to our growth and healing. If we can manage conflict with our therapists, we can better manage conflict with our loved ones, coworkers, and acquaintances.

Here’s some sticky situations and how to handle them:

My Therapist Won’t Listen

The one expectation most people have of their therapists is that they’re good listeners. Therapists if nothing else are supposed to be attentive, empathetic, and fully-focused on the client while in session.

Sometimes, therapists become distracted. They look out the window, glance at their phones, or go on tangents about unrelated topics.

It is easy to take offense and immediately write off this therapist. However, I encourage you to be courageous but calm.

Be honest and straightforward with your therapist – “I shared something really deep and you don’t look like you’re interested, which hurts.” or “I feel like I’m not being listened to or heard in our sessions.” or “I noticed you’ve been looking at your phone or screen a lot. It doesn’t feel like you’re listening.”

Let your therapist respond. Maybe they’re tired, worried about a family situation, or have had a long day. These aren’t excuses for not doing their job, but it can create a connecting conversation. More importantly, you might feel more empowered to bring up problems and issues with others.

Your Therapist Is Too Quiet

The #1 criticism I’ve heard of therapists is when therapists do not say enough. Listening, truthfully, is not enough. Some therapists are new to the field and might be surprised or shocked when they hear clients’ revelations. Other therapists are so desensitized to problems that they don’t think much of what they hear. Either way, no response is a response, and a potentially harmful one at that.

Sharing some feedback, asking meaningful questions beyond “how are you feeling,” and being honest with clients tends to go a long way.

For clients, you can ask your therapist to say more: “I shared a lot there, I want to know what your thoughts are.” or “I noticed you haven’t said much to me this session. I can tell you’re listening but I would like more feedback or questions.” or “I’m not sure where to go next – can you give me some direction?”

Here is my caveat. Some therapists do believe that clients have the answers and should spend the majority of time in session talking. This is not every clients’ style. Meanwhile, some therapists struggle to jump in with a very talkative client.

If you are the talkative client and accuse your therapist of talking too little, you may need to say less. This way, your therapist has time to think and respond. Talking nonstop for 20 minutes is no good way to do therapy. Recognize your responsibility in allowing you and your therapist to have a conversation, not a one-sided monologue.

Your Therapist Assigns Worksheets Instead of Talking

This one is an easier one. Simply ask your therapist to explain why a worksheet is better than talking. The therapist may have a very good reason.

If after they share why, you might agree. However, you may also disagree with their response. Talk to them about it and figure out what might be the best way to use your time together. It’s ok to disagree with your therapist. It is essential you figure out how to work well together even with conflict.

Conclusion

As with each of these scenarios or similar situations, talking to your therapist is usually the best answer. Your therapist should be able to handle your vulnerability, sharing, and even your emotions if they’ve bubbled to the surface. How you and your therapist handle conflict together may be the best work you do in therapy, and what may change your life outside of therapy too.